Media Listings For The Upcoming Week, or: Copying Fist Of Fun

Are you a newspaper editor? Do you work at the Guardian? Do you work at BBC News? Are you involved in any way with British journalism? Then why not try Being Wry About Pies Day, which this year is being held near the Tesco in the District Shopping Centre on the outskirts of Basingstoke.

Everyone will sit around on orange plastic chairs in the car park and be wry (which is defined as being funny in a way that shows irony by stating that you think something is funny but also disappointing or annoying, but it is in fact you who are the annoying one) about pies (which are defined as food).

Under discussion will be pork pies, steak and kidney pies, lamb pies, pies made out of human heads or flesh or something like in Sweeney Todd, vegan pies, those pies that have fish heads sticking out of them, and eerie freakish pies that have nothing but gravy inside or just meat or nothing.

The detached joshing will come to an end at 6PM sharp, when someone will stand up from their orange plastic chair and shout “McDonald’s APPLE pies!”, and everyone will laugh as if they heard a joke and then go back home. Coffee and biscuits are available, but will be spurned.


Are you over the age of perhaps 30 or 40? Are you a newspaper columnist? Are you a newspaper editor? Do you work at the Guardian? Do you work at BBC News? Are you involved in any way with British journalism? Then why not get yourself down to Bridgwater in Somerset for Getting Annoyed At Old Cinema Equipment Day.

Taking place in the rundown environs of The Angel Place Shopping Centre, you can walk around bothering the miserable people of this awful town by getting pointlessly angry over the old ways of cinema exhibition. You can point at drawings you made of what you think a projector looks like and say “Honestly, there’s no need for this,” or wear a T-shirt that features the words “Film looks old and bad and isn’t as good as a Taylor Swift album”.

The performative disdain comes to an end at 6PM sharp, when everyone will hurl themselves backwards onto the ground and start imagining all the shit cinema adverts in their head, and pretend to enjoy them. Coffee and biscuits will be looked at.


Are you over the age of perhaps 30 or 40? Are you a newspaper columnist? Are you a newspaper editor? Do you work at the Guardian? Do you work at BBC News? Are you involved in any way with British journalism? Then why not get yourself down to Banstead in Surrey for Banstead Behaving Abnormally Day.

You can walk up to men and say things like “I’m looking at you, and I’m placing you in a category,” or you can tell women “We’re married, aren’t we?” and then look at them horrified as if they aren’t wearing any pants.

The gargling derangement comes to an end at 6PM sharp, when everyone will sing a racist song and then go to sleep for a thousand years. Coffee and biscuits are available, but will be flung through a window at the slightest opportunity.