Orman Osgood

Orman Osgood just stands there
Every day in our town square
Orman Osgood stands and waits
At the blue grey iron gates

Orman Osgood never speaks
Never sings or shouts or shrieks
Orman Osgood stands and stares
As life goes by in this town square

Orman Osgood looks through the bars
Through the gate into the yard
There’s nothing there for him to see
Or is something hidden from you and me?

What is he waiting for? Why is he there?
Day after day in our town square
Never seems to go home at night
Still standing there at dawn’s first light

Orman Osgood’s talked about,
Argued over, day in, day out,
Orman Osgood’s always news
In the absence of any clues

Orman Osgood is photographed
Phones held high as tourists laugh
Orman Osgood never reacts
To the circus that he attracts

Orman Osgood still stands there
Every day in our town square
Orman Osgood stands and waits
At the blue grey iron gates

New Record from MPL – “The Right To Exist”

For the right to live in peace.
Against those who want us gone.
Whether it is our gender identity,
sexuality, race, religion,
if we are able-bodied or not-
whatever it is that causes them to snarl,
we just want to live free of hate
and to no longer have to plead our case
to remain where we have always belonged.

Entirely produced and recorded by MPL
Title, theme and cover art partially inspired by a worthless “classic”
7th October 2024

Available on Bandcamp and various streaming platforms

55 Years Of Monty Python’s Flying Circus

5th October 1969 was when the first episode of Python was broadcast on BBC1.

To commorate this occasion, here are the first six minutes and fourty-one seconds of Monty Python’s Flying Circus:

And now, another five minutes and twenty seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

And before I end this post… almost another ten minutes* of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

* Not quite ten minutes – I mean, it’s as near as dammit, but it is technically nine minutes and fifty five seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

…And now onto my next post.

55 Years Of Monty Python’s Flying Circus**

** Which is to say, the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Obviously all the other episodes are a bit less than that. The second one’s still a week away from being fifty five years old, obviously. Well, it may not be that obvious, but it doesn’t hurt to be thorough about these things…

…It has come to my attention that this post has already happened. Erm, sorry about that.

To make up for it, here’s a further nine and half minutes*** of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

*** Sorry, did I say nine and a half minutes of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus? I did of course mean nine minutes and twenty seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

And now, onto my next post…

A Further Six Minutes Of The First Episode Of Monty Python’s Flying Circus

(…It has just come to my attention that the last nine minutes and twenty seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus is in fact the last nine minutes and twenty-one seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Again, I apologise for this error.)

(It has also just come to my attention that the further six minutes are not from the first episode at all. Again, I apologise for this additional error, and promise you it won’t happen again.)

(…And that wasn’t a full six minutes either. It was just a silly jape and a prank. I really apologise for this.)

…Oh! And, er, of course… just thought I’d mention this… the last episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus was broadcast on the 5th December 1974, which makes that one only fifty years old. Which is in itself a important celebration of sorts, come to think of it. Though you can’t celebrate it until December, and obviously that would be with a rather more melancholy slant on the whole affair.

And now, onto the next post…

One More Minute Of The First Episode Of Monty Python’s Flying Circus

Sorry, It Turns Out The Last Bit Of One More Minute Of Monty Python’s Flying Circus Isn’t From The First Episode At All

And it isn’t even one more minute of it. Sorry. So, onto my next post…

Two More Minutes**** Of 55 Years Of The First Episode Of Monty Python’s Flying Circus And Almost But Not Quite 50 Years Of The Last Episode Of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, At Least At Time Of Writing. There, That’s All Sorted Out *****

**** Erm, actually there’s no more minutes of it. I’ve used all of them up. Sorry, sorry…

***** …Hang on, the fourth series was just called “Monty Python”. Does that affect things? Oh, bugger.

Recent reviews from my Letterboxd account, June to September 2024

FUNERAL PARADE OF ROSES (1969) *****

I wish the whole country would sink underwater.

An astounding piece of work. Obviously the terminology / levels of understanding are very much Of Their Time™ (or are confused by cultural barriers), but everything else still points to a potential future. A dazzling one at that.

The visuals function like how my mind’s eye works – things popping up at odd times, commenting on / inspired by what I’m seeing or feeling. When we finally get to see it, the underground movie within the movie was like a proto-Japanoise experience. Another bit of music in the dance freakout scene might as well be Les Rallizes Dénudés. Maybe it is!

In regards to the screening I attended – the juxtaposition between this and all the trailers and adverts beforehand was quite something. The commercials were nothing but pure late-capitalism desperation, and the pompous trailers were just a guide to things that weren’t as good as this. Digital Cinema Media’s 15-years-past-the-sell-by-date dubstep jingle cannot compete with “O Du Lieber Augustin” played through a rapidly oscillating tremolo pedal.

Frightening! The cursed destiny of man. What a composite of cruelty and laughter! Let’s look forward to the next film. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

ENO (2024) *****

My god, I needed to see this today. Marvellous, life-affirming.

This has already been referred to, but at my screening I got to see the bit where he tells a Grammarly ad on Youtube to shut up. And I liked where he was listening back to a microcassette of himself saying the same thing over and over again with slight variations, and absolutely pissing himself with laughter at it.

Does that count as spoilers? Because the version you see might not have any of that…

Oh, and I got a kick out of seeing today’s date flash on the screen at the start!

ROBOCOP (1987) *****

Thank god the branch of Picturehouse I saw this at had the volume up so high I wasn’t able to hear the shrieking laugh of the tit in one of the front rows for most of it. Something set him off just before the opening logos and it was like having the actual “Does it hurt?” character from this film in the audience. His mates all shushed him, and from that point until the end credits the gunfire throughout the movie drowned him out. Although at the end he started being a pest again by yelling out the names of that main cast as they flashed up on screen, but the movie was over then. “NANCY ALLEN! RONNY COX!”

This screening also had the politest “will you shut the fuck up” interaction I’ve ever witnessed. Some guy was talking a bit too loudly at one point early on, and another guy turned around and lightly chided him. First bloke just goes “Ah, sorry” and then stays mostly quiet, apart from some whispering, which again was mostly inaudible due to the gunfire.

…Oh yeah, the movie. It was good to see it up on the big screen all in 4K and everything, although there was an annoying minor glitch when halfway through the film there was a brief pause at what would have been a reel change in the original – I think the projector was switching to a different file or different hard drive before continuing. I know that isn’t the sort of detail you’re meant to share on Letterboxd but fuck it, I’m going to talk about the minutiae of the modern day cinema experience if I want. Maybe this could be “my thing” on this site.

(Note to Digital Cinema Media, who are in charge of the adverts: You are a shit company and you have wasted roughly an hour and a half of my time over the last month or so.)

MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO (1988) *****

I’d sort of seen bits of this before, but today I saw it from start to finish on the big screen (subtitled version). An absolute delight. It’s so different to the usual shit that gets chucked out as “children’s entertainment”! Someone’s already brought this up, but yeah, none of the cliched souless hogwash you get from Disney and Dreamworks nowadays.

One odd thing about this re-release, though – one of the distributing companies or whoever that had their logos at the start was called “ANONYMOUS CONTENT”. It was a really absurdly basic logo done in a standard Windows font with only the faintest bit of animation. It caused a bit of a surprised chuckle from several people at the screening I was at. Apparently they’re a US production company who were formed in 1999, and have made mainly music videos and reality TV shows. What the hell did they have to do with the UK re-release of Totoro? Hmm…

[CATBUS CHANGES ITS DESTINATION TO “ANONYMOUS CONTENT”, BOUNDS OFF OVER THE HORIZON]

HARDWARE WARS (1978) ***

Possibly the first ever Star Wars parody, made when the first movie (or the fourth one, technically) was still in cinemas. I can see where some of the negative reviews are coming from; it’s not hilarious, sure, but I’ve always found this to be really charming. Some of the special effects are actually pretty decent for a no-budget short made in 1977 / 78.

EXCALIBUR (1981) *****

Absolutely absurd, and yet I believed in every moment. Even the fact that Hyacinth Bucket’s husband was in a major role didn’t pull me out of the story, nor did recognising all the various well-known faces. And yes, this movie’s version of Merlin is definitive, whatever you may think of this film.

PULP FICTION (1994) **

There’s a lot I could say about the way I thought this was amazing back in the 90s, and the way it mostly just irritated and bored me this time round (to the extent I found myself looking at the locations around the main action more than what I was meant to be focusing on). However, the only thing I can really be bothered putting into words properly is this: Why was that Columbian woman driving a taxi without shoes? Okay, so we all know the real-world reason why, but I started to think of Alan Partridge going all the way to Dundee while stress-eating Toblerones.

THE ITALIAN JOB (1969) ****

Saw this as part of National Cinema Day here in the UK – the ticket was only £4.

Despite certain elements either being – I guess I have to use that word – dated (to put it mildly), and others being retrospectively ruined a bit by being claimed by arseholes, it’s still an incredible film with one of the finest car chases ever.

Had no idea somehow that Quincy Jones was involved with the soundtrack, and was surprised to see a young pre-Doomwatch Robert Powell as one of the drivers. I also didn’t know that this was written by Troy Kennedy Martin, the guy responsible for Edge Of Darkness! And it’s very surreal to see scenes with Caine acting alongside Benny Hill. (“…Take your flowers and get in the car.”)

But above everything else, I wish I had Lorna’s wardrobe…

BRIGSBY BEAR (2017) ½

This should have been a psychological horror, or a really really depressing drama that ends very badly for the main character. And it’s almost as if someone actually tried making one of those aforementioned ideas, but a bunch of studio heads demanded “changes”. Except! This is clearly a labour of love, a passion project that everyone involved really believed in… and that’s possibly the most disturbing aspect of it all.

SILENCE OF THE HAMS (1994) *

A fascinatingly bad imitation of Mel Brooks / ZAZ parody movies, including an awful lot of very well-known faces. A lot of the jokes don’t even make sense, and the ones that do are executed staggeringly badly. 

There are also sight gags that don’t work properly because they’re not quite exaggerated / weird / unexpected enough, plus there’s all sorts of odd line readings and acting choices from otherwise professional actors (and directors!) that I imagine are due to the hopeless script, and its hopeless director.

I was actually quite gripped by this for the first half hour, simply on account of how weird its constant failures were (the scene with Police Academy’s Hightower! What the fuck even was that?) and then it just started to wear me down. I confess that I skimmed through a large chunk of it, but I don’t think I really missed anything.

The plot quickly devolves from a take off of Silence Of The Lambs into a general proto-Scary Movie shitfest, and the ending is just a big heap of whatever. Apparently this film also functioned as some kind of tax loss, which if true makes a lot of sense… a lot more than the average gag in this movie.

BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE (2024) *

PRE-REVIEW COMMENT MADE A COUPLE OF DAYS AFTER I ORIGINALLY POSTED THIS:

I was in a really, really bad mood over the weekend.

Sat through 10 agonising minutes of adverts which felt like capitalism itself was trying to fend off a panic attack. Then there were another 10 minutes of trailers for things that looked like total bullshit and that were all edited the same. Then some of the extra fucking nonsense at the end of the pre-show was accidentally repeated multiple times, because someone didn’t check the digital projector’s playlist or whatever it is they use now.

Then the film actually started. I liked the opening credits. Felt like the original, and for a moment I thought this might be good. However, the movie had the audacity to continue. I started to feel the same irritation that the adverts and trailers had put me in. As soon as it was revealed that Lydia had some sort of TV show now I felt my heart sink. Can’t explain why, it just felt stupid.

Dickhead producer character who wanted to marry Lydia was a dickhead in a weirdly outdated way. Lots of new age talk that was last topical in… 1998, maybe? Odd lack of imagination in all the dead character designs. Monica thingy looked vaguely spooky and was attractive but didn’t work as a villain. The plague flashback was the only curveball this thing had and for that it gets a whole star rather than half.

They had a fucking shrine to the man who played the dad in the original film! Whenever I see a movie with that pervert in I have to try and not think about the terrible crimes he committed. They had his smiling face on a gravestone in front of a group of young children singing that Day Oh song. Why would you do that, Tim?

Catherine O’Hara put actual effort in and Jenna Ortega was also present.

Sudden inexplicable stop motion part to portray the dad’s death. Alright. Didn’t really work, but alright. Beetlejuice has a full on bio-excorcist company now. Okay. Sure. Micheal Keaton looks much the same as he did in 1988 in the same role, thanks to the way the character is as much as the makeup. That’s not an interesting observation. It was fortunate for you though, Tim. Tim? It was fortunate, wasn’t it?

Two people in the audience were the people who laughed at the jokes in the film, and then only at some of them. The terrible AI-redolent script couldn’t even at least consistently entertain them. Not many people in the theatre for something on its opening weekend! Tim, did you hear about this? Not many people in the fucking theatre on the opening fucking weekend.

Jenna Ortega rode her bike into a tree and I assumed she was now dead but she was okay and got up and found herself a boyfriend and Dostoevsky was mentioned and I decided to leave.

There were four walkouts, and I was one of them. The only thing I got out of it was a regular Pepsi. If I were to just leave a standard one line review then I think it would be “I felt nothing”. The rating would be the same.

I don’t even feel angry or anything, really. I know this has sounded really angry but I actually just feel a big load of Okay Well Whatever I Guess I Saw A Film And It Was Like That. Well, I guess I was angry at the adverts, but who isn’t these days?

Yeah, so “I felt nothing” really does sum it all up. I liked typing that out, so I’ll type it out a couple more times. I felt nothing. I felt nothing. I felt nothing. Didn’t copy and paste that, did it all manually. That was three times instead of a couple of times. I felt nothing, Tim.

P.S., ALSO ADDED A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER:

I told you I was in a bad mood.

The twist halfway through or so is actually a pretty decent one, I’ll give it that. Still a lot of problems with it though, and to be honest I don’t think I’d change the rating. I can see how I might – might – bump it up to two stars, but other things keep occuring to me about this guff and drag it back down. Nah, I’ll keep it at one.

NO SMOKING IN THIS THEATER (1982) **

Note: This is a very short film – a pre-show trailer of sorts, in fact – whose subject is explained in the title. It was made for the famous NuArt Theatre, who have a history of making bespoke stuff like this, and this one is hosted by none other than John Waters.

I was expecting something funnier than an early draft of that one Bill Hicks routine: youtu.be/t_wVZXLW7vo

But, two stars for the way he breathes in the smoke at the end and holds it. Also there’s a HD scan of this on Youtube now! The uploader put his logo in the corner of it like a massive twat, but still, it’s there in HD! On Youtube!

Some further additional info: basically this is a no-smoking ad made during a time when it was still seen as cool or somehow being against “The Man” to keep smoking, despite that “The Man” would have been quite happy having people continue to smoke like chimneys but were being forced out of business by doctors pointing out how slow-motion lethal all of it was.

Doesn’t matter now, because those same companies are now pushing vapes, which are thought of as somehow safer or something, despite some rather worrying evidence that any supposed benefits are also nonsense.

Say, did you know that Malcolm Gladwell was a one-time tobacco industry plant who was paid handsomely during the 90s to write all sorts of horseshit that plays into the same attitude as this film? Now you know… and knowing, is of course, half the battle.

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA’S DRACULA’S FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA’S MEGALOPOLIS (2024) ½

First review, pre-watching it:

I don’t think I’m ever going to actually see this – if I wanted to watch a load of regressive confused neoliberal faff, I’d just pick a random Adam Curtis doc – but the trailer for this thing has the early 70s American Zoetrope logo at the start of it, looking all grainy and resolutely un-upscaled, just conventionally resized. I liked that, at least.

Second review, having actually seen it:

I was the only person in the audience, which they moved from one of the bigger screens to a much dinkier one. I’m not sure what point someone was meant to walk up and lipsync some lines from an actor, because again I was the only person in there. [The following added after checking…] Apparently that’s IMAX only. Fuck IMAX because a cinema screen doesn’t need to be that fucking big. Anyway…

This is bad and terrible and confused and all over the place, but fuck me if one of the death scenes in this isn’t one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a movie released this year. It’s just a shame that it was meant to be serious. Horrible, horrible, horrible. A disaster for the ages – a really stupid, easily preventable disaster, like that Soviet satellite that everyone just forgets about.

Also the American Zoetrope logo was still nice and fuzzy and non-upscaled at the start.

More additional thoughts: My lord, this was a mess! The amount of film critics who are bending over backwards to paint this as some kind of noble failure is embarassing. It’s just plain shit, and as implied in the above review, often unintentionally funny. At least that’s when it’s not also being staggeringly boring, and in those moments I entertained myself by tapping out an Amen break on a water bottle.

It’s also not a massively entertaining failure like The Room – that is a movie that is consistently enjoyable in its badness, wheras this is a convoluted mess that’s more interesting to talk about than to actually watch. In a weird way I don’t regret having seen it, as I felt I needed to as someone who is really into movies… but it’s also something which I cannot actually recommend to anyone but the most hardcore of bad-movie-watchers. And even then, you’d be better off with, I dunno… Low Blow or something.

The increasingly silly Radio Times listings for Not The Nine O’Clock News

This is an annotated copy-paste archiving of the original listings for Not The Nine O’Clock News from the Radio Times, as harvested from the BBC Genome.

All listings are for the original broadcasts. Be aware that the transcriptions on Genome may contain some mistakes and formatting errors, which have been corrected if spotted. Comments in bold are added by me. Please also note that there will be “material that is of its time”, and that I do not necessarily support some of the implied opinions in the quoted text…

Not the Nine O’Clock News
(“Pilot” episode)
First (intended) broadcast: Mon 2nd Apr 1979, 21:00 on BBC Two England
A new series of six topical comedy programmes with Rowan Atkinson, Chris Emmett, Christopher Godwin, John Gorman, Jonathan Hyde


This edition never went out. The announcement of the 1979 UK general election caused it to be pulled from the schedules, due to the BBC’s rules about comedy shows not being allowed to influence potential voters during a general election cycle. However, some sections from this ill-fated first try ended up being recycled for the following actual first series, which began that autumn, with an almost completely different cast after a bit of a re-think…

Not The Nine O’Clock News
Series 1, Episode 1
First broadcast: Tue 16th Oct 1979, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The first of six topical comedy programmes, in which a team led by Rowan Atkinson, Chris Langham, Pamela Stephenson and Mel Smith offer unhinged interpretations of the world of news and current affairs.
Designer PAUL JOEL
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD and SEAN HARDIE
(Rowan Atkinson is in The Atkinson People, on Radio 3 Friday, 10.0 pm)

Not The Nine O’Clock News
Series 1, Episode 2
First broadcast: Tue 23rd Oct 1979, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The second of six topical comedy programmes, in which a team led by Rowan Atkinson, Chris Langham, Pamela Stephenson and Mel Smith offer unhinged interpretations of the world of news and current affairs.
Designer DAVID HITCHCOCK
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD and SEAN HARDIE
(Rowan Atkinson in The Atkinson People, Radio 3 on Friday, 10.0 pm)

Not The Nine O’Clock News
Series 1, Episode 3
First broadcast: Tue 30th Oct 1979, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The third of six topical comedy programmes, in which a team led by Rowan Atkinson, Chris Langham, Pamela Stephenson and Mel Smith offer unhinged interpretations of the world of news and current affairs.
Designer PAUL JOEL
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD and SEAN HARDIE
(Rowan Atkinson in The Atkinson People, Radio 3 on Friday, 10.0 pm)

…So yes, I’ll interrupt things there as the first series’ listings were very very straightforward. The rest of them followed the same basic pattern, with the plug for The Atkinson People dropped from the fourth one as the latter had finished airing. We pick up from what was effectively the Christmas special, which was a compilation of stuff from the first series...

Not the Least of Not the Nine O’Clock News
First broadcast: Fri 28th Dec 1979, 21:00 on BBC Two England
Highlights from the series, in which Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Chris Langham and Pamela Stephenson offer their own anarchic view of the State of the Nation. (The repetition of that last sentence is giving me flashbacks to each introductory bit of continuity in this…)

This was then followed by a repeat of that compilation in March, to precede the second series.

Not the Least of Not the Nine O’Clock News
First (repeat) broadcast: Tue 18th Mar 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
A last chance to see highlights from the first series, featuring Rowan Atkinson, Chris Langham, Mel Smith, Pamela Stephenson and Griff Rhys Jones
Producers JOHN LLOYD, SEAN HARDIE (A new series begins shortly)

And now finally we get to the actual point of this article. From the second series onwards, we get actual humour creeping into the previously dry Radio Times listings.

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 2, Episode 1
First broadcast: Mon 31st Mar 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The return of the comedy programme that won more awards than other programmes that haven’t won any awards at all have won. Featuring Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Pamela Stephenson, Griff Rhys Jones
Designer DAVID HITCHCOCK
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD, SEAN HARDIE

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 2, Episode 2
First broadcast: Mon 7th Apr 1980, 21:10 on BBC Two England
by William Shakespeare
Highlights from the Prague Festival Theatre’s expensive and overrated production of Shakespeare’s most famous sit-com.
King of Burgundy: Rowan Atkinson
Welsh army: Mel Smith
Portia: Pamela Stephenson
Old Nimmo: Griff Rhys Jones
Designer MARHORIE PRATT (This should be “Marjorie” – not sure if this was a scanning error or a typo in the original listing)
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD , SEAN HARDIE

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 2, Episode 3
First broadcast: Mon 14th Apr 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
A situation comedy written by BOB DEASEY and MAURICE FOTE
Don’t Get Your Vicars in a Twist!
Trouble in store for the sofa when Ros has to explain away a misunderstanding with the milkman… with hilarious consequences!
Lovable young couple: Rowan Atkinson
Man from the gas board: Mel Smith
Girl on sofa: Pamela Stephenson
Pakistani: Griff Rhys Jones
Designer MARJORIE PRATT
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD, SEAN HARDIE

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 2, Episode 4
First broadcast: Mon 21st Apr 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
from the Opera House, Welwyn.
WOOMERA PHILHARMONIC conductor CANAAN BANANA
Haydn No 95 ‘Excruciatingly Dull’ Symphony
Laundromat Avocado Ma, Non Mobutu Nimmo Quartet for strings and relish tray
Soloists: Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Pamela Stephenson, Griff Rhys Jones
Designer MARJORIE PRATT
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD, SEAN HARDIE

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 2, Episode 5
First broadcast: Mon 28th Apr 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
Drama Today
‘Gulp’ by GAVIN TOAD
Set in a small Welsh weaving shed, ‘Gulp’ looks at the events leading up to the abdication of Edward VIII through the eyes of a professional footballer and a politician’s widow. Expensively directed by a member of the Socialist Workers Party.
Mrs Simpson: Rowan Atkinson
Lord Reith: Pamela Stephenson
Virginia Woolf: Mel Smith
Vet: Griff Rhys Jones
Designer DAVID HITCHCOCK
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD, SEAN HARDIE

(Nowadays I’d quite happily watch the above for real. People in 1980 didn’t know they were born)

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 2, Episode 6
First broadcast: Mon 5th May 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
(Mae’n naw o’r gloch!) live from Bangor
17: Os awn ni nawr fe fyddwn ni yng Nghaerdydd oriau cyn y gem…
Gyda Griff Rhys Jones, Rowan Atkinson Jones, Mel Smith Jones, Pamela Stephenson Jones
Designer DAVID HITCHCOCK JONES
Producers JOHN LLOYD JONES, SEAN HARDIE JONES

(This is what the above says according to Google: “17: If we go now we will be in Cardiff hours before the game…” Also “Mae’n naw o’r gloch!” apparently means “It’s Nine o’clock!”.)

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 2, Episode 7
First broadcast: Mon 12th May 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The Death Lasers of Kzaarn
Huge evil squids threaten to destroy the universe, but the Doctor is trapped in the same concrete corridor as last week…
Zagglimorgx: Rowan Atkinson
Talking suitcase: Mel Smith
Mini-skirted alien: Pamela Stephenson
Fourth extra wearing hat with rubber tentacle on: Griff Rhys Jones

There then followed a small series of compilation episodes, lasting for three weeks.

The Bert of Not the Nine O’Clock News (Not a typo)
First broadcast: Tue 9th Sep 1980, 21:30 on BBC Two England
Some of the greatest hats (also not a typo) from the last series.
The Jewish-looking one: Rowan Atkinson
The fat one with split ends: Mel Smith
Sex interest: Pamela Stephenson
The other one: Griff Rhys-Jones

Twenty-Five Years of Not the Nine O’clock News
First broadcast: Tue 16th Sep 1980, 21:30 on BBC Two England
2: The Formative Years
More highlights from the first four per cent.
Trusty Old Ham: Rowan Atkinson
Man who saw Old Ham on bus: Mel Smith
Ancient Crone with face lift: Pamela Stephenson
Face in crowd: Griff Rhys Jones

Not the Lot of Not the Nine O’Clock News
First broadcast: Tue 23rd Sep 1980, 21:30 on BBC Two England
The last of the best of the last lot. A new lot is set for Oct with the old lot: Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Pamela Stephenson and Griff Rhys Jones
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD, SEAN HARDIE

Onto the third series…

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 3, Episode 1
First broadcast: Mon 27th Oct 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The first of eight programmes: The Banana of T’ai
Twenty years ago, the remote island of Santa Meej boasted one of the largest banana stocks in Brazil. Today only one is left.
Nympho with chocolate bar: Rowan Atkinson
Man in Land-Rover with binoculars: Mel Smith
HRH The Prince Philip: Pamela Stephenson
Thane of Fyffe: Griff Rhys Jones
Designer DAVID HITCHCOCK
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD and SEAN HARDIE

(Title written in Korean)
Series 3, Episode 2
First broadcast: Mon 3rd Nov 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
BBC2 North Korean Cinema Season
Not the Nine O’Clock News
Perhaps Ng Mnong’s least seminal work, which tells the story of two Korean orphans whose adventures with a water lily and a duck (symbolising the bicycle and the vacuum flask) become tragically entangled in the ideological panic of the Great Step Sideways.
“Recommended…” (Sheridan Morley)
Ho Vis: Rowan Atkinson
Eg Nog: Mel Smith
Frank Chapple: Griff Rhys Jones
Hydroelectric dam: Pamela Stephenson

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 3, Episode 3
First broadcast: Mon 10th Nov 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The third of eight programmes
Gosh, that’s amazing!! Weekly look at relevant and unusable technological gimmickry, packaged together to look like a building society commercial.
Laser device for opening Long Life milk cartons: Rowan Atkinson
Man who keeps pointing at things with his ballpoint pen: Mel Smith
Plastic greenhouse: Pamela Stephenson
Carpet salesman: Griff Rhys Jones
Designer COLIN LOWRY
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD and SEAN HARDIE

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 3, Episode 4
First broadcast: Mon 17th Nov 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The fourth of eight programmes
The Mysterious Television Programme of Arthur C. Clarke
Venezuelan geologist: Rowan Atkinson
Intergalactic foetus: Griff Rhys Jones
Dishonest amateur photographer: Mel Smith
Former head of programmes, Yorkshire Television: Pamela Stephenson
Designer COLIN LOWREY
Director BILL WILSON
Producers SEAN HARDIE and JOHN LLOYD
(At the end of this listing is a plug for the then-forthcoming vinyl release and accompanying book:)
Record (REB 400) and cassette (ZCR 400), from record shops. Book (same title), £1.95, from bookshops, from 27 November

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 3, Episode 5
First broadcast: Mon 24th Nov 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The fifth of eight programmes
Special collectors’ edition made to commemorate HRH Prince Charles’ 32nd consecutive winter holiday in Australia. Hand-tinted by Rowan Atkinson, Griff Rhys Jones, Pamela Stephenson and Mel Smith.
(Contains jokes of more than one country of origin)

Not the Nine O’Clock News Surplus Sale
Series 3, Episode 6
First broadcast: Mon 1st Dec 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The sixth of eight programmes
Ex-SAS Coat Hanger Car Aerial, ££2.95. Genuine ex-Traffic Warden No Parking Cones, £4.67. Phoney TV-cum-contact lenses, £56.80. Wide selection reconditioned Rowan Atkinsons, Mel Smiths, Griff Rhys Joneses, Pamela Stephensons to be sold as seen.


(This listing was hidden on BBC Genome under an “offensive language” warning, because whatever automated system that was in place couldn’t understand the context in which “cum” was being used…)

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 3, Episode 7
First broadcast: Mon 8th Dec 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The seventh of eight programmes
Special anniversary edition!
Many happy returns of the day to Lord Diplock, Lord of Appeal in Ordinary (73), Mr Maurice Green, former editor Daily Telegraph (74), and the Declaration of War on Japan (39) from Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Pamela Stephenson, Griff Rhys Jones.
Designer DAVID HITCHCOCK
Director BILL WILSON
Producers SEAN HARDIE, JOHN LLOYD

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 3, Episode 8
First broadcast: Mon 15th Dec 1980, 21:00 on BBC Two England
The last of eight programmes
Twenty-first and final edition with Griff Rhys Jones, Mel Smith, Pamela Stephenson, Rowan Atkinson
Designer DAVID HITCHCOCK
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD and SEAN HARDIE

(No jokes here – possibly a degree of exhaustion had set in by the end of the series, although it seems more likely that John Lennon’s murder a week prior may have caused a brief retreat from thinking up silly listings. Reportedly the entire team spent the first day of production on the final episode too depressed to write anything.

Also… the claim that this is the “final edition” is rather curious. Were they thinking of knocking it on the head after three series? Actually, the answer to that’s probably been written up somewhere. Focus, Michelle, focus!)

In 1981 the programme took an extended break off TV screens, with the gap filled with various things: a live show, a radio special covering the Royal Wedding, more books and more records. In Autumn 1981, another selection of compilations followed.

Not Another Not the Nine O’Clock News
First broadcast: Fri 9th Oct 1981, 21:00 on BBC Two England
First of three of bits of the best of the last three series shoved together in a different order.
Featuring
Rowan Atkinson, Griff Rhys Jones, Mel Smith and Pamela Stephenson
Director BILL WILSON
Producers SEAN HARDIE , JOHN LLOYD
Not the Nine O’Clock News (record RES 421. cassette ZCF 421) from retailers


An Eighth Chance to See Not the Nine O’Clock News
First broadcast: Fri 16th Oct 1981, 21:00 on BBC Two England
Another chance to bone up on the bits you don’t quite know by heart yet from the previous three series. With Rowan Thingy, Pamela Whatsit, Mel Errrm and Griff Rhys Jones
Director BILL WILSON
Producers JOHN LLOYD , SEAN HARDIE

Last of the Summer Repeats
First broadcast: Fri 23rd Oct 1981, 21:00 on BBC Two England
26: Not the Nine O’Clock News
The inimitable four old codgers take another turn down memory lane.
Mulch: Rowan Atkinson
Nimmo: Mel Smith
Cheesy: Griff Rhys Jones
Humpo: Pamela Stephenson

And now the final fourth series in 1982! Things start in a slightly more subtle manner than usual, and then once again go completely off the rails.

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 4, Episode 1
First broadcast: Mon 1st Feb 1982, 21:00 on BBC Two England
Due to lack of space in this edition of Radio Times, there is, regrettably, no room to give details about the above programme in the allotted amount of area available, due to the shortage of allottable pagery, except to say that the usual allocation is larger than this.
Featuring Mel Smith, Pamela Stephenson, Griff Rhys Jones, Rowan Atkinson

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 4, Episode 2…

(…and here we hit a snag, in that I can’t find the listing for the second episode. There doesn’t seem to have been any strike action that stopped that week’s Radio Times going out, or anything along those lines – whatever the listing was, it’s has been omitted from Genome, and in its place is a basic write-up done for iPlayer. Anyway, for the sake of completion, episode 2 was broadcast Monday 8th Febuary 1982, at the standard time of 9PM on BBC2, and it was the one with the Game For A Laugh parody. Now let’s just skip over to the third one…)

Ni He Seo An Nuacht Ag A Naoi A Chlog (That’s “Not the Nine O’Clock News” in the Irish language)
First broadcast: Mon 15th Feb 1982, 21:00 on BBC Two England
Series 4, Episode 3
Irish General Election Special with subtitles
Ruadhn Mac Aidicin (Rowan Atkinson), Mel Mac Gabhann (Mel Smith), Pamela Nic Stiofain (Pamela Stephenson), Griff Rhys Mac Seion (Griff Rhys Jones)
A roisin Phil (Posy),
Ta suil agam go bhfuil tu slan. Mo bhron nach raibh me in ann scriobh chugat ach bhi an iomarca oibre Ie deanamh agam anseo sa Radio Times – se sin i roinn na coitchirte. Mile buiochas le haghaidh na stocai. Tabhair focail do Sinead ar mo shon-se.
Mise le meas, Sean.

(A Google translation of the above: “Dear Phil (Posy), I know you are. I felt like I couldn’t write to you but I had too much work to do here in the Radio Times – that’s in the commons department. A thousand thanks for the stocks. Give Sinead words on my behalf. Yours sincerely, Sean.”)

Not the Nine O’Clock News on Ice
Series 4, Episode 4
First broadcast: Mon 22nd Feb 1982, 21:00 on BBC Two England
Spectacular tedium for children from 1 ½ to 90, from the Schwarzwaldkirschentorteleizurcenter, Munchen Gladbach.
Introduced by JOHNNI STYLE with ARMAND AND MURIEL and the HEINRICH KNODL HARMONICA RASCALS
Robin Cousins: Pamela Stephenson
Gang of oovy(?) brigands: Rowan Atkinson
Huge chicken in skis: Griff Rhys Jones
Humorous cowpoke: Mel Smith
Designer DAVID HITCHCOCK
Director GEOFF POSNER
Producers JOHN LLOYD and SEAN HARDIE

To Let
Series 4, Episode 5
First broadcast: Mon 1st Mar 1982, 21:00 on BBC Two England
Convenient space, central BBC2 conservation area, adjacent BBC1 with handy rear access to Radio 1; would suit Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Griff Rhys Jones or perhaps Pamela Stephenson; might convert into comedy programme like Not the Nine O’Clock News (subject to usual permissions).
Sole agents David Hitchcock (Designer), Geoff Posner (Director), Sean Hardie, John Lloyd (Producers)
Book, Not the Nine O’Clock News, £1.95 from booksellers

Not the Nine O’Clock News
Series 4, Episode 6
First broadcast: Mon 8th Mar 1982, 21:00 on BBC Two England
Dear Not the Nine O’Clock News, I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms about your treatment of………………… in the last programme ever. It was disgusting/ outrageous/rancid/not nearly long enough. I am not a prude/fat old codger/your mother, but this really takes the biscuit/mickey/last train to Clarksville. I shall not be watching again, yours sincerely ….
PS My favourite was Mel Smith/Griff Rhys Jones/Rowan Atkinson/Pamela Stephenson/Designer David Hitchcock/Director Geoff Posner/Producers Sean Hardie, John Lloyd (Delete/fill in as applicable)
Book (same title), £1.95 from booksellers

(In 1983 there was another short run of compilation episodes, to squeeze out some final repeats out of the series. Those listings aren’t really worth copy and pasting as they’re pretty straightforward. By this time everyone involved had gone their seperate ways, with some of the last output basically being John Lloyd and various writers putting out more books along the lines of those ones you kept seeing plugs for in the Radio Times listings. Which is a topic for another day, perhaps…)

What If Hannibal Lecter Just Kept Getting Hit In The Head With A Bin All The Time?

JODIE FOSTER: [quote from film]
LECTER: [quote from film]
A small red plastic pedal bin flies from off-screen, striking him
LECTER: JESUS, WHO DID THAT
Jodie Foster giggles a bit, but then stops when Hannibal gives her a hard look

________________________________________

Hannibal Lecter is staring right into the camera
LECTER: Ooh the lambs
JODIE FOSTER ALSO LOOKING AT THE CAMERA: Oh no, the lambs the lambs
LECTER: Clarice, do the lambs still screech and the blood still spatter all over the floor and all that
JODIE FOSTER: My name’s not Clarice
Hannibal Lecter looks confused. A small red plastic pedal bin flies from off-screen, striking him
LECTER: [in pain] Clarice it happened again

________________________________________

Hannibal Lecter is trying to get the flayed corpse of a security guard up really high in that room he’s escaping from
LECTER: Fucking hell, he’s heavy. Even after I’ve eaten loads of his organs he’s still massive
Lecter slightly slips on a ladder, almost causing him to fall off and drop the body
LECTER: FUCK! Fuck me, I thought I was a goner there
Lecter manages to make it up a few more steps
LECTER: Fucking hell, why do I have to make things so difficult for myself
Lecter continues to struggle
LECTER: Shit shit shit, the cops are coming and I’m running out of time to apply my psychologically horrifying angel corpse motif. I haven’t even got that other guard’s face on my own face yet. My pulse is way the fuck above 85, let me tell you
Lecter is struck by a small red plastic pedal bin that flies from off-screen. He screeches as he falls all the way to the ground, along with the body
LECTER: [Weakly] Oh no the corpse’s arse is on my face. His horrible arse

________________________________________

JK ROWLING: In my opinion Buffalo Bill is
LECTER: If Hitler told you to jump in some dog muck, would you do it?
JK Rowling looks outraged and her mouth goes into a horrified “O” shape, like a dilated anus
LECTER: I bet you would

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