Michelle Pamela Lyons

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  • Here is the very first comedy sketch I ever wrote, which I did at a very young age (typed from memory and slightly re-written for clarity)

    Here is the very first comedy sketch I ever wrote, which I did at a very young age (typed from memory and slightly re-written for clarity)

    INT. DAY. SUPERMARKET

    THE INCREDIBLE HULK: GRRRRRR! I am incredibly angry

    A small old lady walks by. She spots some milk on the shelf behind the Hulk

    SMALL OLD LADY: Excuse me…

    THE INCREDIBLE HULK: GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! NO MILK FOR YOU. IT IS ALL MINE

    The small old lady kicks the Hulk in the shins. He starts weeping and hands over the milk from the shelf

    THE INCREDIBLE HULK: *general crying noises and snuffling*

    Audience laughter and applause

    ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: I thought this was the funniest thing ever at the age of maybe 5. Full of confidence, I then tried to write a Ronnie Barker style monologue full of wordplay, but completely failed at it due to being a child with no real comedy writing experience. I got about as far as the words “Wagging Wogan”, which I may have cribbed from an actual mid-late 80s Barker sketch about Australia.

  • Recent columns by Adrian Chiles

    Created using https://dixonary.co.uk/static/chile-dish.html

  • People Do Not Listen To Lyrics: A Case Study

    Recently I was out Christmas shopping, trying to find a suitable present for my neice. In the local shopping centre there’s a dedicated toy shop – not that “Smyth’s” thing but some other company.

    Anyway, after about three minutes of wandering around, with the only sound just being background chatter from everyone around me, a member of staff put on the in-store background music that was meant to be playing.

    This was the very first track. I am not joking.

    I swear I heard one of the mums absent-mindedly hum along to the chorus.

    …Do any of your readers have tales of completely inappropiate music being played in public settings?

  • My Own, Possibly Controversial, One-Disc Tracklist For The Beatles’ White Album

    My own artwork for this imaginary version. Yes, that is the “SUPER DELUXE” font.

    …And yes, I am aware that the correct name for the album is just “The Beatles”, as in an eponymous title. No need to race down to the comment section only to find there isn’t one.

    SIDE A:

    1. Wild Honey Pie
    2. Back In The U.S.S.R.
    3. What’s The New Mary Jane (Esher Demo version)*
    4. Blackbird
    5. Piggies **

    SIDE B:

    1. Happiness Is A Warm Gun
    2. Birthday
    3. Cry Baby Cry
    4. Revolution 9 ***
    5. Long, Long, Long ****

    EXPLANATIONS VIA ASTERISKS:

    * Most people who have heard this have only been exposed to the rubbish studio version, which is an ungainly mess (although it is amusing to listen to if you’re in the right frame of mind). The original acoustic demo reveals it as a pretty good (and deeply eerie) sub-three-minute long number, with some particularly spooky harmony vocals and a much better take on the “freakout” ending. Shame about the lyrics…

    ** Ian MacDonald refers to this as “an embarrassing blot on [Harrison’s] discography” in Revolution In The Head, because a fuckwit by the name of Charles “Charlie Charles Marilyn Manson” Manson heard it and went bananas. Ian MacDonald didn’t understand punk, praised the horrible “stereo separation” on the versions of Beatles LPs available at the time, and when he first heard Bowie’s Low, he roared “Mother, this is too magickal for me,” and spent the rest of the day on the toilet. A grown man, scared of a record! Aside from that, good writer.

    *** Fucking deal with it, Giles Martin.

    **** As genuinely delightful as “Good Night” is, this feels more appropriate.

  • A gift from my sister, who went to Japan

    The character: My Melody (Sanrio)
    The thing: Some chocolate

    Alright then. What’s on the back?

    Right you are, then.

    And when we open it up, we get this in a little tray…

    Multicoloured chocolate! In pastels? Sure, why not.

    A closer look:

    In conclusion: chocolate.

  • New thing on itch.io: “The Reason Why The Closet-Man Is Never Sad”

    The writer Russell Edson died about ten years ago. This is one of his most notable prose-poems / vignettes / very very short stories / whatever you want to call them, converted into a very short text adventure by me.

    Click here to play online (via itch.io)…

  • New additional blog!

    Blammo is a new blog dedicated to stuff I write about telly. There are three articles up online already: A quick look at Channel 4 oddity Murun Buchstansangur; a review of the live-event-only documentary / deleted-scenes-fest on Brass Eye, Oxide Ghosts; and an updated version of my collation of Not the Nine O’Clock News Radio Times listings.

    Find it at: https://blammo.site/

  • The First Two Of Five

    https://michellepamelalyons.bandcamp.com/track/the-foxes-stand-in-a-circle-and-then-they-think-of-you

    https://michellepamelalyons.bandcamp.com/track/fly

  • ＤＯ　ＴＨＥ　ＨＵＣＫＬＥＢＵＣＫ　スベ演

  • From The Archives: Patrick McGoohan in The Prisoner, 1967 – “I will not be pushed…”