Author: Michelle

Jonathan Nash, AKA J. Nash (if wet, Jon Pillar), was a very funny writer who, I’m now realising, was a huge influence on me. He worked on the old Commodore Amiga magazine, Amiga Power, and before that got his start at the equally legendary Your Sinclair, both of which were touchstones for British gamers of the 80s and 90s. He brought a very particular comedic voice to gaming that stood out to the prevailing style of most mags at the time – and a big part of that was down to him being genuinely funny.

Nash’s writing was very different from the increasingly coarsening tone of much of what passed as “games journalism” from the mid 90s onwards, or the also wretched “hey cowabunga etc” sort of thing, which would be written by people who hadn’t seen any episodes of The Simpsons made after 1990 until BBC2 started showing it.

A key part of Nash’s writing was his feel for absurdist and sometimes mock-Victorian / Edwardian / early 20th Century nonsense, pretending to be stuck in yet also wryly commenting on “Boy’s Own” 50s larks, in the same field where people (children) earnestly debated the merits of Sonic over Mario.

He further developed the initial YS / AP house style – which had grown out of basically being Smash Hits but without all the grotesque music journalists and the requirement to engage with Johnny Hates Jazz – and brought it kicking and screaming from the late 1980s to, er, the early to mid 1990s. But in every review he would eventually knuckle down and methodically analyse the game in question. He’d dutifully point out the bugs, rotten controls and various unforgiveable corporate shenanigans that resulted in broken and miserable cash-grabs. And those same reviews would be dotted with references to Killer Klowns From Outer Space, or Hamble from Play School, or something.

He also said “or something” a lot.

He was reportedly quite a fascinating man, a genuine British eccentric in many ways; only he was a previously unheard-of type of eccentric who focused on either celebrating video games for being excellent, or exasperatedly deriding them for bad controls, boring plots, really really boring space marine nonsense (if it was an FPS and the year was 2002) or needless ice levels (if it was a platformer and the year was 1994).

He was astonishingly knowledgable – for example, he seemed to have an amazing array of info on old cartoons stored in his head, which he’d offer nuggets of in posts on random forums under obvious fake names like Mr Thisisanobviouslyfakename. He also had a surpising aversion to using swearing in his work – while he was never offended by bad language, and would occasionally use a rude word if absolutely required, he apparently would genuinely use phrases like “Bother!” or “Dash it all!” when upset.

This may sound a bit odd, but I feel J. Nash’s comedy stylings (Urgh. – Ed) had a certain moral code to it that was starting to go missing in the 1990s games scene, and has pretty much vanished out of the usual AAA areas. It must be stated that his seriousness at properly doing the actual revewing part of reviews pissed off a lot of game devs and video game companies, simply by pointing out that they tended to shove out an awful lot of absolute (spit – Ed). He stood up for the little guy, in other words. To further illustrate, here’s a quote from him on that well known fundamental corporate word and concept, “product”:

If you use this [word] and are not speaking about multiplication, you ought to be punched. If you use this and are speaking about games, you ought to be crippled with hammers and entombed alive. You cannot even use it ironically. The simplest way to trap a member of AP into a scandal of violence is to go up to them and say this word once in a non-mathematical context.

His biggest commerical achievement was co-writing the 2000s BBC Radio adaption of Sexton Blake, along with his long time collaborator Mil Millington. None other than Simon Jones – Arthur Dent himself – took the main role, and the series also included June Whitfield and William Franklyn, in one of the latter’s final performances. Yet to me, and many others, the likes of his withering-but-also-scrupulously-fair review of Alien Breed 3D, or the whole farrago around that one bloke from Commodore UK screaming at him down the phone while Nash downloaded a massive picture of the Animaniacs, tend to be among the examples of his work that echo down the years… for better or worse.

I’ll end this by simply copy and pasting an example of one of my favourite types of writing he did, which I call The Very Very Long List Of Things On A Theme. The original link is here, and it is titled “Further Terrific Stock Music”.

Mood Suite: Parsimony

Bright and Early at the Sinister Bakery

Hearse Chase

Mounting Consternation

Consternation Mounting

Reading the Will (With Biscuits)

What an Exciting Town the Tourist Information Board Thinks This Is!

Unwise Foot Pursuit Up Hill

Approaching the Space Cafe

Is He the Murderer?

Is She the Murderer?

Is He the Murderer After All?

Block of Flats

Naughty Danger

Elderlies’ Comicals

Elegance at the Canal

Big Car

Disproportionately Thrilled Patrons of Cheaply Sketched Nightclub

Unwise Foot Pursuit Up Lighthouse

This Looks Considerably Less Fun Than at First Appeared

Mollifying the Gardener

Domestic Fooferaw

Office Fooferaw

War Fooferaw

Jolly Typing

Jolly Picnic

Jolly Guillotining

Catastrophic Disaster (Kazoo)

Action Costermonger

The Incorrigible Glazier

Teasing Dentistry

Closely Examining Four Things

Suspensefully Shuffling the Canasta Deck

Barbara Harris Casts Voices

Posh Bint Swans

Winsome at the Cavalry Charge

Searching For Clew at Unimpressive Disco

Death Drums Across the River

Entering the Magnificent Palace on Skateboard

Creeping Methodically Through Every Empty Room

Phew! It’s a Petrol Station!

Boffin at Funfair

Smuggler Punch-up

Vestry Embarrassment

Praising the Lickspittle Boatswain

Pelting Urchin From Charabanc

Constable on Cocaine

Uninhibited Liaison (Kazoo)

Unwise Foot Pursuit Across Galaxy

Incurring Regret Again

Sophisticated Uptown Shopping and Wickerwork

Flaunting in Riviera

Action Belittling!

Rehabilitated Tapdancing Miser Spurs Competitive Athletics Recovery (aka Delightful Fleet Catalyst)

Poor Johnny A-Go-Go

Incredulous Vicar Facially Vibrating Double-Take

Mostly Intentional Hilarious Death

International Suspicion

Staircase Descent (Circular Staircase Version)

Infant Starvation Samba

Elucidation and Pancakes

Climactic Rapidity Suite (Haranguing the Wealthy — A Cafe Pitstop — Dispiriting the Gentleman — Victory at the Furlong)

Ceremonial Trampling of the Unctuous (Kazoo)

Christ! What Was That? (Kazoo)

The Indemnification of Pamyla (NOT licensed for Pamela) (Kazoo)

Contemptible Massacre (and Presentation By Accomplice Butler of Disreputable Puree) (Kazoo)

Man Blows Kazoo (328-Piece Orchestral Arrangement)

Glockenspiel to Murder

Ribald Doxy Strut

Slide Trombone’s Child Rides Helter Skelter (also suitable for Debilitating Arterial Spray)

Simmering Commuter in Traffic Jam Glances Across at Neighbouring Car’s Improbable Occupancy (But is Not Amused)

Simmering Commuter in Traffic Jam Glances Across at Neighbouring Car’s Improbable Occupancy (and is Highly Amused Then Dies)

Receiving an Undeserved Pasting

Impecunious Restaurateur

Catamite Woodwind Solo

Saucy Anxiety

Big Show Theme With Racial Interjections

Stabbing Chords For Stabbing

Lunch Break at the Sleazy Milliner

After That Dustcart!

Clemency For the Vegetable Puppets

Thumb Disclosing Postmark (Envelope Links Number 7)

Gliding Down the Slipway

Looting the Glovemaker’s

Altercation Between Thieves Becomes Bloodbath

Altercation Between Thieves Becomes Orgy

Unstoppable Revolving Door / Merry Commissionaire

Quotient Montage

Happily Labouring Over the Brickwork

Police Chef

Busking / Busker Sneeze Dislodging Subway Keystone

You Missed Him You Idiot! We’re Going Over the Edge!

Whirling in Petticoats

Revelations Aboard the Autogyro

Not a Very Good Quiz Programme

Castigation (Rolled-up Newspaper)

Duplicity Belowstairs

Castigation (Superior’s Hat)

Someone is Up This Oak

Local Nutcases Chased Round and Round Like Benny Hill By Irate Crim

Wedding on Skis

Stove Montage

Ducal Jitterbug

Pleasantries Among Gunfire

The Excessive Salinity Has Spoiled This Vigorous Backstroke

An Unforgettable Pentathlon

Topple That Taxi

Countermand Previous Cessation (Detachment Escried)

Perilous Hopscotch

Swaggering Hunchback at the Fashionable Supper Spot

Another Case For Inspector Kazoo

The Haunted Cymbals

Hooligan Response

Darting Through the Cornstalks

Mood Suite: Five Lurks and Looms

Romance Trumps Timidity

Charleston vs Whipsaw

Off to Work at the Gymkhana

Carpenting Under Observation

Luxury Casino Suite (Gambling Gaiety — A Turn of the Card — Balcony Disloyalty — Dice Chasers)

Mischievous Mr Elephant

Tuba Solemnity

The Secret of Napalm

Let’s All Go to the Magistrate’s Court

Let’s All Go to the Moon

Let’s All Go By Speedboat

Let’s All Go to Chepstow

Whisked By Parachute

Indignant at the Roustabouts

Muddling Through the Invasion

Last Moments of the Match / Just After the Match / The Match Concluded Quite a While Ago Now

Indeterminate Atmosphere (Wah-Wah Piccolo Version)

Chums in Canoes

March of the Uttermost

A Scurrying Release

Funicular Railway Drama Sting (Elongated Ascending Note Version)

Heavy Tread of Suspense Boots

Counting Coup in 4/4 Time

Funicular Railway Drama Sting (Elongated Descending Note Version)

Could This Flask Provide the Antidote?

Trimming Trees, Fah-Lah

Silly Beeping For Computer Scenes

Turned Out Nasty Again

Plunge Through Universe (Long Version)