Michelle Pamela Lyons

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  • Here is the very first comedy sketch I ever wrote, which I did at a very young age (typed from memory and slightly re-written for clarity)

    Here is the very first comedy sketch I ever wrote, which I did at a very young age (typed from memory and slightly re-written for clarity)

    INT. DAY. SUPERMARKET

    THE INCREDIBLE HULK: GRRRRRR! I am incredibly angry

    A small old lady walks by. She spots some milk on the shelf behind the Hulk

    SMALL OLD LADY: Excuse me…

    THE INCREDIBLE HULK: GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! NO MILK FOR YOU. IT IS ALL MINE

    The small old lady kicks the Hulk in the shins. He starts weeping and hands over the milk from the shelf

    THE INCREDIBLE HULK: *general crying noises and snuffling*

    Audience laughter and applause

    ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: I thought this was the funniest thing ever at the age of maybe 5. Full of confidence, I then tried to write a Ronnie Barker style monologue full of wordplay, but completely failed at it due to being a child with no real comedy writing experience. I got about as far as the words “Wagging Wogan”, which I may have cribbed from an actual mid-late 80s Barker sketch about Australia.

  • People Do Not Listen To Lyrics: A Case Study

    Recently I was out Christmas shopping, trying to find a suitable present for my neice. In the local shopping centre there’s a dedicated toy shop – not that “Smyth’s” thing but some other company.

    Anyway, after about three minutes of wandering around, with the only sound just being background chatter from everyone around me, a member of staff put on the in-store background music that was meant to be playing.

    This was the very first track. I am not joking.

    I swear I heard one of the mums absent-mindedly hum along to the chorus.

    …Do any of your readers have tales of completely inappropiate music being played in public settings?

  • A gift from my sister, who went to Japan

    The character: My Melody (Sanrio)
    The thing: Some chocolate

    Alright then. What’s on the back?

    Right you are, then.

    And when we open it up, we get this in a little tray…

    Multicoloured chocolate! In pastels? Sure, why not.

    A closer look:

    In conclusion: chocolate.

  • You know who’s still running the world?

  • A Lesson, And What To Do Now

    I met a traveller from an antique land,
    Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
    Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
    Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
    And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
    Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
    Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
    The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
    And on the pedestal, these words appear:
    My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
    Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
    Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
    Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
    The lone and level sands stretch far away.”
    — Percy Bysshe Shelley

    You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.
    — Maya Angelou

  • Quote For The Day, And The Year

    “Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” – Anon

    (The above is widely attributed to Martin Luther, although it apparently only dates back to 1944 – a date that makes more sense given the implications.)