Author: Michelle

  • Recent columns by Adrian Chiles

    Created using https://dixonary.co.uk/static/chile-dish.html

  • People Do Not Listen To Lyrics: A Case Study

    Recently I was out Christmas shopping, trying to find a suitable present for my neice. In the local shopping centre there’s a dedicated toy shop – not that “Smyth’s” thing but some other company.

    Anyway, after about three minutes of wandering around, with the only sound just being background chatter from everyone around me, a member of staff put on the in-store background music that was meant to be playing.

    This was the very first track. I am not joking.

    I swear I heard one of the mums absent-mindedly hum along to the chorus.

    …Do any of your readers have tales of completely inappropiate music being played in public settings?

  • My Own, Possibly Controversial, One-Disc Tracklist For The Beatles’ White Album

    My own artwork for this imaginary version. Yes, that is the “SUPER DELUXE” font.

    …And yes, I am aware that the correct name for the album is just “The Beatles”, as in an eponymous title. No need to race down to the comment section only to find there isn’t one.

    SIDE A:

    1. Wild Honey Pie
    2. Back In The U.S.S.R.
    3. What’s The New Mary Jane (Esher Demo version)*
    4. Blackbird
    5. Piggies **

    SIDE B:

    1. Happiness Is A Warm Gun
    2. Birthday
    3. Cry Baby Cry
    4. Revolution 9 ***
    5. Long, Long, Long ****

    EXPLANATIONS VIA ASTERISKS:

    * Most people who have heard this have only been exposed to the rubbish studio version, which is an ungainly mess (although it is amusing to listen to if you’re in the right frame of mind). The original acoustic demo reveals it as a pretty good (and deeply eerie) sub-three-minute long number, with some particularly spooky harmony vocals and a much better take on the “freakout” ending. Shame about the lyrics…

    ** Ian MacDonald refers to this as “an embarrassing blot on [Harrison’s] discography” in Revolution In The Head, because a fuckwit by the name of Charles “Charlie Charles Marilyn Manson” Manson heard it and went bananas. Ian MacDonald didn’t understand punk, praised the horrible “stereo separation” on the versions of Beatles LPs available at the time, and when he first heard Bowie’s Low, he roared “Mother, this is too magickal for me,” and spent the rest of the day on the toilet. A grown man, scared of a record! Aside from that, good writer.

    *** Fucking deal with it, Giles Martin.

    **** As genuinely delightful as “Good Night” is, this feels more appropriate.

  • A gift from my sister, who went to Japan

    The character: My Melody (Sanrio)
    The thing: Some chocolate

    Alright then. What’s on the back?

    Right you are, then.

    And when we open it up, we get this in a little tray…

    Multicoloured chocolate! In pastels? Sure, why not.

    A closer look:

    In conclusion: chocolate.

  • New thing on itch.io: “The Reason Why The Closet-Man Is Never Sad”

    The writer Russell Edson died about ten years ago. This is one of his most notable prose-poems / vignettes / very very short stories / whatever you want to call them, converted into a very short text adventure by me.

    Click here to play online (via itch.io)…

  • ＤＯ　ＴＨＥ　ＨＵＣＫＬＥＢＵＣＫ　スベ演

  • She Thinks She’s (Seen) Hexham Head(s)

    (Jumpscare at 7:57…)

    FURTHER EVIDENCE BELOW, JUST BEFORE 15 SECONDS IN!…

  • Quote For The Day, And The Year

    “Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree.” – Anon

    (The above is widely attributed to Martin Luther, although it apparently only dates back to 1944 – a date that makes more sense given the implications.)

  • POLL: Good Idea or Bad Idea?

    THE IDEA: A cover version of “Let’s Get Physical” by Olivia Newton John, only it has been renamed “Let’s Get Liminal”. There are no other differences.

    INSULT THE GREEN SQUARE BELOW IF YOU WANT TO VOTE “NOT SURE”

    GLARE AT THE ORANGE SQUARE BELOW IF YOU WANT TO VOTE “DON’T”

    The poll results will appear in the blank space above on 3rd November 2085.

  • Artificial Idiotic Art: Miyazaki Figured Out How Awful AI Was In 2016

    I remember seeing this clip go viral when it was originally uploaded. I was astounded then, as now, why this company thought it was a great idea to show Hayao Miyazaki a grotesque shambling data-creature and assume he’d give it the thumbs up. The phrase “This is an insult to life itself” needs to branded across the foreheads of everyone in the tech industry.