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That Wretched, Jumped-Up Costermonger

Shelving the 24-episode series would have meant millions of pounds of production work being wasted. After much internal agonising, BBC bosses agreed to run the series but told Banijay to re-edit the programmes to reduce the viewers’ exposure to the shamed presenters.

An insider said: “They looked at all the options like erasing the presenters altogether and relying on voice-over, but that wasn’t practical, they are so integral to the show.

“The best solution was to keep the Wallace and Torode shots and banter to a minimum and focus as much as possible on the contestants so their journey becomes more foregrounded.”

Editors were on the lookout for any presenters’ jokes that might have a sexual element, which would hit the cutting room floor, The i Paper understands.

I have written out what they should have done below, in script form.

TITLE SEQUENCE - 30 SECONDS

CUT TO:

INT. EMPTY MASTERCHEF SET. DAY (OR NIGHT, YOU CAN'T TELL)

                     V/O
                (BRIAN BLESSED, SCREAMING)
                     YES

CUT TO:

INT. MASTERCHEF SET WITH PEOPLE IN IT. DAY

ROW OF CONTESTANTS, SOLEMNLY NODDING

CUT TO:

INT. UNIDENTIFIABLE BIT OF SOMETHING THAT MAY BE A WALL

                      V/O
                (BRIAN BLESSED)
                     YEEEEESSSSSSS

The nerdiest thing any comedy nerd has ever done

Something that I find annoying – and that I’ve partially covered on my other blog – is the way that the excellent Radio Times listings for various BBC comedy shows of the past have been mangled in their translation to streaming services. And that’s when they’ve not been ignored completely.

So, here are eight re-written listings, mostly based on originals, for the eight Not The Nine O’Clock News compilations on iPlayer (I think. They may be somewhere else now, or nowhere at all). If any streaming service feels like nicking these – for once, be my guest.

1.
TO LET: Classically built late 20th Century property located on popular streaming platform. While a little out of the way, the slot is still within easy reach of public transport, shopping areas, and “Adult Animation”. Would suit Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith, Griff Rhys-Jones and Pamela Stephenson. (Price will be more than you can afford, especially with this subscription.)

2.
DOCTOR WHO AND THE AI UPSCALERS – Part 4 of a 6 episode serial. The Doctor (Rowan Atkinson) and his female companion (Pamela Stephenson, inevitably) must stop the droids of Zillikonval’ee (Mel Smith and Griff Rhys-Jones wearing deely-boppers). Can the Doctor prevent out-of-focus details in the background suddenly becoming faces?

3.
Tongues are wagging in Banstead – Julie (Pamela Stephenson) has to explain away a misunderstanding involving the corpse of a milkman (Griff Rhys-Jones). Meanwhile, Bernard (Mel Smith) invites his boss (Rowan Atkinson) to dinner at a slaughterhouse. And on top of all that, a vicar comes – and not into the room! Hilarious consequences? Maybe, maybe not.

4.
MOVIE: Captain America Goes Bananas (2009). Over seven bloody hours of remorseless CG, annoying jokes and the tears of out-of-work VFX artists. Includes a two second cameo for Rowan Atkinson (looking confused in front of a green-screen) and vague glimpses of Pamela Stephenson, Mel Smith and Griff Rhys-Jones in the crowd scenes where everything’s exploding.

5.
Westminster On Sunday: This week’s look at a bunch of psychopaths pretending they’re normal, in a failed attempt at making the screaming din of British politics look like the result of a functioning society. Rowan Atkinson, Mel Smith and Griff Rhys-Jones contribute filmed reports; Pamela Stephenson has mysteriously left the show after a male producer [REDACTED]

6.
Special Collector’s Edition with hologrammatic cover! Pressed on 180gsm extra virgin olive oil. Limbs bend with full two-way rotation. Comes with download token for a JPG of David Zaslav scowling. Oh, and it’ll contain something to do with Rowan Atkinson, Pamela Stephenson, Mel Smith and Griff-Rhys Jones (latter only available with the Super Hyper Ultra Deluxe package).