Category: Comedy

That Wretched, Jumped-Up Costermonger

Shelving the 24-episode series would have meant millions of pounds of production work being wasted. After much internal agonising, BBC bosses agreed to run the series but told Banijay to re-edit the programmes to reduce the viewers’ exposure to the shamed presenters.

An insider said: “They looked at all the options like erasing the presenters altogether and relying on voice-over, but that wasn’t practical, they are so integral to the show.

“The best solution was to keep the Wallace and Torode shots and banter to a minimum and focus as much as possible on the contestants so their journey becomes more foregrounded.”

Editors were on the lookout for any presenters’ jokes that might have a sexual element, which would hit the cutting room floor, The i Paper understands.

I have written out what they should have done below, in script form.

TITLE SEQUENCE - 30 SECONDS

CUT TO:

INT. EMPTY MASTERCHEF SET. DAY (OR NIGHT, YOU CAN'T TELL)

                     V/O
                (BRIAN BLESSED, SCREAMING)
                     YES

CUT TO:

INT. MASTERCHEF SET WITH PEOPLE IN IT. DAY

ROW OF CONTESTANTS, SOLEMNLY NODDING

CUT TO:

INT. UNIDENTIFIABLE BIT OF SOMETHING THAT MAY BE A WALL

                      V/O
                (BRIAN BLESSED)
                     YEEEEESSSSSSS

Dudley Sings

As I was walking down the street one day
I saw a house in white
There was a man, standing on the roof
shouting and screaming to the crowd
that was gathered there below
For he was sore afraid

Jump, you fucker, jump
Jump into this here blanket what we are holding
and you will be all right
He jumped, hit the deck,
broke his fucking neck
There was no blanket

Laugh? We nearly shat
We had not laughed so much since Grandma died
Or Auntie Mabel caught her left tit in the mangle
We are miserable sinners
Fi-i-ilthy fuckers

Ahhhhhhhh-soles