THE IDEA: A cover version of “Let’s Get Physical” by Olivia Newton John, only it has been renamed “Let’s Get Liminal”. There are no other differences.
INSULT THE GREEN SQUARE BELOW IF YOU WANT TO VOTE “NOT SURE”
GLARE AT THE ORANGE SQUARE BELOW IF YOU WANT TO VOTE “DON’T”
The poll results will appear in the blank space above on 3rd November 2085.
Orman Osgood just stands there
Every day in our town square
Orman Osgood stands and waits
At the blue grey iron gates
Orman Osgood never speaks
Never sings or shouts or shrieks
Orman Osgood stands and stares
As life goes by in this town square
Orman Osgood looks through the bars
Through the gate into the yard
There’s nothing there for him to see
Or is something hidden from you and me?
What is he waiting for? Why is he there?
Day after day in our town square
Never seems to go home at night
Still standing there at dawn’s first light
Orman Osgood’s talked about,
Argued over, day in, day out,
Orman Osgood’s always news
In the absence of any clues
Orman Osgood is photographed
Phones held high as tourists laugh
Orman Osgood never reacts
To the circus that he attracts
Orman Osgood still stands there
Every day in our town square
Orman Osgood stands and waits
At the blue grey iron gates
5th October 1969 was when the first episode of Python was broadcast on BBC1.
To commorate this occasion, here are the first six minutes and fourty-one seconds of Monty Python’s Flying Circus:
And now, another five minutes and twenty seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
And before I end this post… almost another ten minutes* of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
* Not quite ten minutes – I mean, it’s as near as dammit, but it is technically nine minutes and fifty five seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
…And now onto my next post.
** Which is to say, the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Obviously all the other episodes are a bit less than that. The second one’s still a week away from being fifty five years old, obviously. Well, it may not be that obvious, but it doesn’t hurt to be thorough about these things…
…It has come to my attention that this post has already happened. Erm, sorry about that.
To make up for it, here’s a further nine and half minutes*** of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
*** Sorry, did I say nine and a half minutes of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus? I did of course mean nine minutes and twenty seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
And now, onto my next post…
(…It has just come to my attention that the last nine minutes and twenty seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus is in fact the last nine minutes and twenty-one seconds of the first episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Again, I apologise for this error.)
(It has also just come to my attention that the further six minutes are not from the first episode at all. Again, I apologise for this additional error, and promise you it won’t happen again.)
(…And that wasn’t a full six minutes either. It was just a silly jape and a prank. I really apologise for this.)
…Oh! And, er, of course… just thought I’d mention this… the last episode of Monty Python’s Flying Circus was broadcast on the 5th December 1974, which makes that one only fifty years old. Which is in itself a important celebration of sorts, come to think of it. Though you can’t celebrate it until December, and obviously that would be with a rather more melancholy slant on the whole affair.
And now, onto the next post…
And it isn’t even one more minute of it. Sorry. So, onto my next post…
**** Erm, actually there’s no more minutes of it. I’ve used all of them up. Sorry, sorry…
***** …Hang on, the fourth series was just called “Monty Python”. Does that affect things? Oh, bugger.
GRAND MOFF TARKIN: Greetings, Lord Vader. My name is Grand Muff Tarkin
VADER: That’s not your name
GRAND MOFF TARKIN: [scampering away] Ah-hee-hee-hee-hee-heeeee! Hoo!
JODIE FOSTER: [quote from film]
LECTER: [quote from film]
A small red plastic pedal bin flies from off-screen, striking him
LECTER: JESUS, WHO DID THAT
Jodie Foster giggles a bit, but then stops when Hannibal gives her a hard look
________________________________________
Hannibal Lecter is staring right into the camera
LECTER: Ooh the lambs
JODIE FOSTER ALSO LOOKING AT THE CAMERA: Oh no, the lambs the lambs
LECTER: Clarice, do the lambs still screech and the blood still spatter all over the floor and all that
JODIE FOSTER: My name’s not Clarice
Hannibal Lecter looks confused. A small red plastic pedal bin flies from off-screen, striking him
LECTER: [in pain] Clarice it happened again
________________________________________
Hannibal Lecter is trying to get the flayed corpse of a security guard up really high in that room he’s escaping from
LECTER: Fucking hell, he’s heavy. Even after I’ve eaten loads of his organs he’s still massive
Lecter slightly slips on a ladder, almost causing him to fall off and drop the body
LECTER: FUCK! Fuck me, I thought I was a goner there
Lecter manages to make it up a few more steps
LECTER: Fucking hell, why do I have to make things so difficult for myself
Lecter continues to struggle
LECTER: Shit shit shit, the cops are coming and I’m running out of time to apply my psychologically horrifying angel corpse motif. I haven’t even got that other guard’s face on my own face yet. My pulse is way the fuck above 85, let me tell you
Lecter is struck by a small red plastic pedal bin that flies from off-screen. He screeches as he falls all the way to the ground, along with the body
LECTER: [Weakly] Oh no the corpse’s arse is on my face. His horrible arse
________________________________________
JK ROWLING: In my opinion Buffalo Bill is
LECTER: If Hitler told you to jump in some dog muck, would you do it?
JK Rowling looks outraged and her mouth goes into a horrified “O” shape, like a dilated anus
LECTER: I bet you would
https://asterix.fandom.com/wiki/Asterix_in_Britain_(film):
Asterix in Britain (Astérix chez les Bretons) is a Danish/French animated film released in 1986; the fifth Asterix feature film, and the last from Dargaud Films. It is based on the book of the same name. The theme song The Lookout is Out was performed by Cook da Books and was based on Plastic Bertrand’s “Astérix est là” (the theme song from the previous film, Asterix Versus Caesar) but with a slower tempo, played with acoustic guitars and brand new English lyrics.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cook_da_Books:
Cook da Books (also known as Cook the Books, Big in France and Da Books) were a British new wave band from Liverpool, England, formed in 1980. The band were signed to indie labels throughout their career, and much of their music was politically charged, though they also contributed music to popular film soundtracks. […] The initial line-up was Kevin Kunky Kelly (Guitar/vocals) Peter “Digsy” Deary (vocals, guitar), Owen Moran (bass, vocals), Tony Prescott (keyboards), and John Legget (drums).
https://www.songfacts.com/facts/oasis/digsys-dinner:
This song came from a bit of messing about in the studio with a friend of the band named Digsy. Noel Gallagher was on drums and Digsy had the microphone, was singing about lasagna and just generally joking about.
Gallagher commented in Isle of Noises by Daniel Rachel: “If you wrote ‘Digsy’s Dinner’ now, The Guardian or the music papers would destroy you. It’s a song about going to someone’s house for lasagne – you only write songs like that when you’re free of inhibitions.”
Noel Gallagher roared down the streets of Neo-Tokyo on his hi-tech motorbike. Fuckin’ music’s shit, this, he thought. Fuckin’ load of banging, is all it is. Sounds like all that fucking typical poncey art student wank. Probably jazz! Nobhead music.
He stopped briefly at a crossing in the middle of the city’s main shopping district. There was no one around; it was all eerily quiet. He looked up at a holographic billboard. It read:
He solemnly nodded, the lights turned blue and off he went again.
There was something bothering him, something needling his mind. Something was off.
His bike soared down the majestic freeways that criscrossed the northwestern zones of this hypermodern city, which had risen from the wreckage of the nuclear war of 1988. He kept trying to remember something, but it continually evaded him. Something he had to make sure… make sure what?
He didn’t get any farther in thinking when he heard his brother’s voice.
“NOOOOOOEEEEEEEL!” he screeched.
Noel grimaced. What’s he fucking playing at now? The nonce.
“NOOOOOOEEEEEEL!” screeched Liam again.
“Christ!” shouted Noel. “What d’yer want?”
Liam’s enormous, swollen mass swang into view from behind some skyscrapers. He was just an enormous bag of psychically disfigured flesh now, muscle and bone smashing their way through the buildings ahead; the people inside them had no chance.
Noel braked hard and flew off his bike. He landed hard – and then lay panting on the freeway, eyes wide. This is fucked. Proper fucked.
He staggered to his feet and nearly fell down again – he’d gone and fucked his leg coming off. He painfully stumbled back towards his bike, the Liam-thing screeching Noel’s name again and again. Out of the superbike he grabbed his big fuck-off gun – he had to kill him. Kill that fucker. He was an obscenity now.
Noel balanced the enormous laser cannon on his shoulder. He took aim – right between the eyes… fired.
An immense wave of gore and viscera exploded out of Liam’s face, and headed straight for Noel.
Bollocks, he thought. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.
“Stop it, you fuckin’ nonce! Fuckin’ STOP!”
But Noel could not stop Liam. His younger brother was intent on riding the burning unicorn into the concrete sarcophagus of Chernobyl.
“The minute he hits the walls,” shouted Kryten from Red Dwarf, “It’s all over!”
Noel could only stand and watch in horror as his reckless lunatic of a brother smashed through the protective concrete dome. In an instant, the entire power plant bonded with Liam’s body and soul, the two merging into Liam Ultimate, a twenty mile high being made of radioactive debris. Liam Ultimate opened his mouth and out came a beautiful, cleansing fire.
“So we’re gonna reform,” burbled Noel into the receiver. “It’ll be like the old days, you fucker. D’yer remember the old days? They were great. I still fucking hate you. Everything was better then. You’re a cunt and I still fucking hate you. Everything was better.”
“I don’t know who the fuck this is, but you can fuck off for calling me at 3 fucking AM,” shouted Robbie Fowler. Click.
Liam Ultimate was lecturing the young unicorns on the importance of sacrificing themselves in times of war. Kryten from Red Dwarf was smothering Noel with a pillow.
“Shhhhhhh,” whispered Kryten. Noel struggled under Kryten’s powerful hold.
Noel threw the duvet off the bed. “Who is this?” said a woman in Kent who he had somehow dialled on his mobile. “Hello? Hello?”
Noel held the screen of the mobile up close to his eyes. So bright and pure… like a cleansing fire….
Then the woman hung up, and the screen switched itself off. He dropped the phone and scrambled underneath the duvet on the floor, trying to shield himself from the many Paul Wellers staring through the window. He had to get it together. He had a concert to do, and he was going for a big final payday.