Category: Writing

  • What If Hannibal Lecter Just Kept Getting Hit In The Head With A Bin All The Time?

    JODIE FOSTER: [quote from film]
    LECTER: [quote from film]
    A small red plastic pedal bin flies from off-screen, striking him
    LECTER: JESUS, WHO DID THAT
    Jodie Foster giggles a bit, but then stops when Hannibal gives her a hard look

    ________________________________________

    Hannibal Lecter is staring right into the camera
    LECTER: Ooh the lambs
    JODIE FOSTER ALSO LOOKING AT THE CAMERA: Oh no, the lambs the lambs
    LECTER: Clarice, do the lambs still screech and the blood still spatter all over the floor and all that
    JODIE FOSTER: My name’s not Clarice
    Hannibal Lecter looks confused. A small red plastic pedal bin flies from off-screen, striking him
    LECTER: [in pain] Clarice it happened again

    ________________________________________

    Hannibal Lecter is trying to get the flayed corpse of a security guard up really high in that room he’s escaping from
    LECTER: Fucking hell, he’s heavy. Even after I’ve eaten loads of his organs he’s still massive
    Lecter slightly slips on a ladder, almost causing him to fall off and drop the body
    LECTER: FUCK! Fuck me, I thought I was a goner there
    Lecter manages to make it up a few more steps
    LECTER: Fucking hell, why do I have to make things so difficult for myself
    Lecter continues to struggle
    LECTER: Shit shit shit, the cops are coming and I’m running out of time to apply my psychologically horrifying angel corpse motif. I haven’t even got that other guard’s face on my own face yet. My pulse is way the fuck above 85, let me tell you
    Lecter is struck by a small red plastic pedal bin that flies from off-screen. He screeches as he falls all the way to the ground, along with the body
    LECTER: [Weakly] Oh no the corpse’s arse is on my face. His horrible arse

    ________________________________________

    JK ROWLING: In my opinion Buffalo Bill is
    LECTER: If Hitler told you to jump in some dog muck, would you do it?
    JK Rowling looks outraged and her mouth goes into a horrified “O” shape, like a dilated anus
    LECTER: I bet you would

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