It used to go like this – first week they’d come in, meet Thatcher or Reagan for “talks”, and then announce they were an empire.
Second week, whenever he wasn’t on screen everyone would ask: Where’s the new Soviet premier?
And then the third week, a load of swans would be let loose from a box, and the newsreaders would say slowly I turned step by step inch by inch…
Just between 1980 and 1985, there was an astonishing turnover of those people at the top of those weird pointy bulbous things that they’d show on telly in a tiny square above someone’s shoulder. First of all you had Breznhev, Leznev, Bell Biv Devoe Bev, Andropov, Bumbledov, Big Bummy Bumpov, Cherchenko, Chencherko, A-Ko, Pompoko… and then came all the ones that didn’t rhyme in a vaguely Two Ronnies manner.
So we then saw the following, in order – Lord Beaverbrook, an actual beaver, the dam that the beaver built before it died, a homeless guy they found living in the dam after it was buried, the grave in which the dam was and that they had just also buried the other guy in, Rowan Atkinson, and someone who looked at a picture of Stalin funny.
And after that, in no particular order – “Jonno” (surname withheld), a cardboard cut out of Ian Levine, spinning light-up novelty lamp, general areas, low gas, bottle novelty pixel, and St-St-St-Studio Line from L’Oréal.
So after all that, they got that fella with the stain on his head because he would remain alive. Suddenly Tetris happened, and then Ronald Regan said “What about that fuckin’ wall, then?” and everyone said yeah alright.
For this is how the world turns, and the day ends, and we didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane, Lenny Bruce is not afraid, eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn, world serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs,speed it up a notch, speak, grunt, no, strength, the ladder starts to clatter with fear fight, down, height, wire in a fire, representing seven games and a government for hire and a combat site, left her and wasn’t coming in a hurry with the Furies breathing down your neck, team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped, look at that low plane, fine, then uh-oh, overflow, population, common group but it’ll do, save yourself, serve yourself, world serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed, tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right, you vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light feeling pretty psyched, six o’clock, TV hour, don’t get caught in foreign tower, slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn lock him in uniform, book burning, blood letting every motive escalate, automotive incinerate, light a candle, light a votive, step down, step down, watch your heel crush, crushed, uh-oh, this means no fear, cavalier renegade steer clear a tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies, offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline, the other night I drifted nice, continental drift divide, mountains sit in a line, Leonard Bernstein, Leonid Brezhnev, Leznev, Bell Biv Devoe Bev, Andropov, Bumbledov, Big Bummy Bumpov, Cherchenko, Chencherko, A-Ko, Pompoko, Lord Beaverbrook, an actual beaver, the dam that the beaver built before it died, a homeless guy they found living in the dam after it was buried, the grave in which the dam was and that they had just also buried the other guy in, Rowan Atkinson, someone who looked at a picture of Stalin funny, “Jonno” (surname withheld), a cardboard cut out of Ian Levine, spinning light-up novelty lamp, general areas, low gas, bottle novelty pixel, St-St-St-Studio Line from L’Oréal, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs’ birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom, you symbiotic, patriotic, slam butt neck, right?
Right.